So when is one back? Or home? Or back home?

There is the lame saying home is where your heart is. Yikes. Perhaps if you want to know where your home is look where your mind goes when it wanders is slightly better.

We’ve been back/home/back home now almost for a year. It’s been ok. Very Finnishly ok with low highs and low(ish) lows. Where today could be yesterday and tomorrow today. Where a month can easily pass by without anything really happening. I’m getting used to it. Being bored. Being ok with being bored.

I’ve become one of those people who run to catch a metro that goes every two minutes. Who waits for a pedestrian light to turn green. Who is annoyed of a street musician down the street playing the same piece over and over again for the fifth day in a row. Who fluently uses apps to do this and that. Who no longer thinks drunken people in the middle of a day is something weird. Who can manage all WhatsApping related to managing Talky’s hobbies. Who has gone back to sneakers and pick ups and ketchup. Yet who almost, just almost, used the word paining the other day.


I guess I wasn’t ready let Cape Town go a year ago when the final decision to go back was made. I’ve been back there three times, 2.5 months in total. That’s too much. Way too much. It’s like having sex with an ex: feels amazing, yet the regret is instant and long-lasting.

Last week I said a bittersweet goodbye to Cape Town. A piece of my heart will always be there; hiking on Table Mountain, running up Chappies, laughing and sipping wine with people I care deeply about. This time it was not until we meet again, it was maybe we’ll some day meet again. Because Cape Town is bloody far. Physically, mentally, emotionally.

So I’m letting go. Switching to my Finnish number with WhatsApp. Going through all photos taken during those five years to make a photo book for Talky. Going on a holiday in the UK. Considering entering Tallinn marathon. Making an effort to be more social in Finland. Updating my LinkedIn profile. Watching soccer and cheering for Germany. Spending midsummer at mökki, going to sauna and sitting in palju while having a saunakalja.

When last arriving at Cape Town I received the sweetest message ever from a friend: Motherland welcomes her adopted daughter. For so many reasons that made me crysmile.

Keep well!


One thought on “LETTING GO

  1. Maybe it is the post-birth hormones but this post made me cry 🙂 I guess I can relate so well and it is something that scares the shit out of me when we think about moving to Finland one day. For the schools? For the family? For the language and culture? Not sure.

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